The AP Physics B FR Section: A Monologue

Holy shit. It’s starting. 

What’s question one? Buoyant force? Shit, this is easy. I have this so down. I’ll even organize my work into little columns to make it easier for the grader. I am so getting a 5. Hell, forget that, I am so good that I will be the first person in AP Physics history to get a 6 on the exam. Harvard, here I come.

All right, questions two and three. Let’s do this thing. Good hustle, good hustle.

And on to question four! This looks like—oh.

Oh, God.

Okay, so I can use…kinematics, right? Yes? Or conservation of momentum? Wait, no. That doesn’t work. Kinematics, then? Fuck this, I’m skipping this until later. Question five!

Question six!

WHAT THE HELL, ELECTROMAGNETS.

I mean, electricity and magnetism, TOGETHER? This is not the time for your shippy fanfiction, College Board. I’m trying to do physics here.

Okay, last question, maybe I can do this one. Hey, check it out, I can draw lines like a champion. Wait—I have to calculate the wavelength? BUT THAT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE SENSE. 

Back to question four, maybe we can—oh, oh! I’ve got this! It was kinematics all along! Wait, how much time do we—TWENTY MINUTES? OH MY FUCKING GOD.

Write, you slattern, write! No, your justification doesn’t have to make sense. You don’t have TIME to remember what that constant means. Just scribble something down.

Okay, electromagnets. I’m coming for you.

Hey, this first part is easy. Maybe I can pull this off after—

[in the background: a muffled but easily distinguishable cry of “Pencils down!”]

Shit. Just—shit.

I’m not even going home. I’m going to quit school today and go join a ragged but adorable bunch of wandering street performers. At least I won’t have to take any more AP tests.

You know, maybe it won’t be so bad. Maybe I’ll get like a 3. That’s pretty good for someone who’s been taking IB Physics all year and only learned what a torque was last Tuesday. I should really feel pretty good about myself.

I heard the local community college has a lovely gym facility.